perspective

the last few days I have had cherese staying with me. cherese is like a bit of a sister to me; we sharehoused together for a few years in melbourne, at really confusing times in our lives, and though we are completely different people, developed this deep mutual respect (I assume it's mutual anyways). she also happened to spend a chunk of her childhood living in queensland, and some of that on the sunshine coast, so we 'get' eachother in that subtropical kind of way. today we bought the biggest mangoes either of us had ever seen, went to a waterfall, and then euphorically rubbed them all over our pasty freckled bodies. qld

these days I spend so much time alone and happily adrift in the countryside, now with plans to do that in a mobile kind of way, so there is something very grounding about being placed back into some kind of context as a human being. to be reminded of my history, my story. it has been a pretty strange ride. remembering that makes me feel stronger. nine years ago I moved to melbourne with this sense that city life and academia would satiate my anxieties. my biggest lesson, which I am still learning, is that cities blow and that my primary motivation in life is to find that one thing that they can never provide; peace and fucking quiet. you don't satiate anxieties, you only grow them. the only remedy is starvation i.e. simplicity. ofcourse not everyone needs to live in a cabin in the countryside to manifest simplicity - which is excellent because I'd rather everyone stay over there and just sort their shit out in the city - but I do

I'm not sure what this post is even about. basically hanging out with old friends is good and grounding. my trajectory has purpose, if a bit convoluted. it has always been me, trying to find what truly brings my mind peace. it has been confusing but looking back I'm glad I pushed through with my gut instincts, because now I get to live the country dream with complete abandon, no regrets

I suppose it also helps to observe how your mates are just infused with that citylife tension, and be glad that it's them getting on the train/plane back to that, not you...

dreamtime

one of the guys I went to tafe with is a member of this brisbane psych rock band called dreamtime, and just sent me a download code for their new album, strange pleasures. I'd heard about them a few years back but never looked into them much. what an enormous loss. they are next level shamanic lords of the subterranean consciousness, damn. this is this best music I have heard in ages. it is so intelligent and profound, like a cosmic guide leading you through a prehistoric psychedelic ritual, into your soul, out the other side, and off into the lysergic void. amazing

animal testing

today mim showed me a radiolab podcast that she was super excited about, it was about another potential step in the cure for alzheimers. it was pretty cool; apparently flashing lights at the gamma frequency (around 40 flashes per second, associated with higher-order thought) into the eyes of mice for an hour clears away 50% of the beta amyloid build up (for 24 hrs til it builds up again). this seems to allow them to remember stuff better, or something. I dunno. it sounded pretty straight forwards and with real potential for application. but then in the last minute or so of the podcast they casually mentioned that something like 99.6% of all successful mice studies don't end up translating to human subjects. that made me so angry. I've always had a huge problem with animal testing, but had never heard a figure like that before, which showcases just how senseless all this cruelty is. the amount of mice that are electrocuted, infected with viruses, bred to have specific diseases, made cancerous, etc etc etc. all for a 0.4% applicability to humans. and for them to just mention it in passing like it was barely relevant. I'd be interested to know what that figure is for primates, dogs, all the other animals that get abused like this. it is so absurd, so unconscionable

and here they were excitedly yapping away, like as if the deal was almost done. that includes the head researcher. usually it is the media that hypes small, preliminary findings to sound like grand panaceas, but here was the scientist herself (who also happens to be the director of the institute) implying as much. blegh, makes me sick. I mean...I can understand the joy of a positive result, no matter how initial- science is hard- but that 99.6% figure just sets my teeth on edge. I really hope it's not long til we have reliable medical modelling software, so that we can stop being such goddamned monsters

another step stepped

last friday I submitted my last assessment for tafe, and within an hour got an email from the lecturer saying I'd passed everything, i.e. that I now have a diploma of conservation and land management (yae!) it was a surprisingly emotional moment, I felt pretty bewildered and teary. the last few months have been hell and I'm not exaggerating when I say that I only barely made it through. tafe became a bit of burden during that time, but also kept me from dropping off the face of the earth. my classmates were all so goddamned beautiful and inspiring and I always left class glad that it was a part of my life

so there was that, but also there's this profoundly satisfying feeling that I've finally put myself on the right path. I floundered around uni for six years and still had no idea who I was or what I actually deeply valued. after only a year at tafe there seems to be very little doubt left. not necessarily because of the course content or anything, but it happily coincided with some big realisations and lifestyle changes, and just fit like a friggen glove

after our farewell party at wappa dam yesterday I know I'm going to miss it a lot, mostly for the company. to be honest there's also a big part of me that hates institutionalised education and is kinda bitter about blowing $11,500 on knowledge I could have easily gained from self-education and the age old process of just hanging out and yappin. but any step in the right direction is valuable, as it seems all too easy to drift off into weird trajectories. so yes, all in all I'm stoked and ready embark on my new career as a feral bushbum. not like I needed a qualification for that tho, just this beast (sry climate change):